X’IAN FAMOUS FOODS


Ever since Tony ‘I DON’T NEED NO FUCKIN RESERVATIONS BOOZE FUNK SMELLING DIVORCED BUM’ Bourdain went to this hole in the ASS Chinese noodle joint in Flushing and blew a LOAD on this place, Xi’An Famous Foods has been spreading its seed like a HORNY TEENAGER.  Every five seconds one of these SHITS pops up! AND WHY?! CUS IT’S FUCKING GOOD AS BALLS THAT’S WHY!

The noodles are SICK and they HAND PULL THEM SHITZ! If you want to set your bland cubicle on FUCKING FIRE, then set it off with some spicy lamb cumin noodles– THEY RULE HARD! The spicy and tingly beef is just as much of a RING STINGING FIRE BREATHER, but the tingle will make you go HMMMMM in the best possible way. The ‘burgers’ are a FIERCE, OH NO SHE DINNIT LOVECHILD of an arepa and a pulled pork sandwich (HIGH ASS MARKS FOR THE LAMB). THE STEWED OXTAIL is a FAT JOINT while the spicy and tingly lamb face salad FUCKING LAMB FACED MY SALAD.  I wasn’t as into the cold skin noodles cus’ I keeps it hot in my house, but HANNIBAL GODDAMN LECTER said he had that shit with a nice Chianti and was lovin’ it. Not a true CRAPPNESS in sight.

Spicy Lamb Burger: MONSTER JAM
Stewed Pork Burger: Jam
Lamb Hand Ripped Noodles: Jam
Spicy and Tingly Beef Noodles: Jam
Oxtail Soup: MONSTER JAM
Lamb Face Salad: Jam
Cold Skin Noodles: Jam

Jam To Crap Score: 9/14 – *64.3%*

*CERTIFIED CRAP FREE*

81 St. Marks Pl
New York, NY 10003

(212) 786-2068

Review by: D. SCOTT SPINNEY

 

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WHITMAN’S

LISTEN UP, I don’t live in BUMFUCK DUMBASS LET’S GO BURN A KORAN USA, I live in goddamn NEW YORK CITY.  That means that the LAST thing I want after a long day at my BULLSHIT job is a HORSE DICK sized EXPENSIVE MOTHERFUCKER of a burger that’s gonna ASS RAPE my paycheck and is so RETARDED big that I can’t even wrap my whole mouth around the stupid ass thing– FUCK THAT NOISE!  Who’s FUCKING ASS do I have to kick to get a CULINARY MASTERPIECE of a BURGER?!  I guess WHITMAN’S is up for the challenge!  BRING IT!

SHIT, don’t even get me started on the Juicy Lucy, it’s their SIGNATURE MOTHERFUCKER, and by signature, I mean I got my ASS TOSSED on the sidewalk by it. It’s like these people hired CHEECH AND CHONG to take a short rib sandwich and get all PREGNANT LADY STYLE on its AZZ with some pimento cheese and spicy pickles! (WHAT THE FUCK??!) And speaking of stoned pregnant ladies—THERE’S A BURGER WITH PEANUT BUTTER AND BACON!! ARE YOU FUCKING DEAF?! DO I NEED TO KEEP GOING??

I guess if you feel like PUSSY FOOTING on some non-burger action (then why the fuck did you come here??) then try the Succotash Made Rite. BUT, RED ALERT:  the chicken on greens is some menu filler BULLSHIT and they need to take it off the rotation cuz I AIN’T EVEN TRYIN’ TO HEAR THAT CRAP.  It’s the LONE SHITTER in the room.

Juicy Lucy: MONSTER JAM
PB and B Burger: MONSTER JAM
Upstate Burger: Jam
Revis: Jam
Succotash Made Rite: Jam
Chicken on Greens: Crap!
Cracked Kale: Jam

Jam To Crap Score: 8/14 – *57.1%*

406 E 9th St
New York, NY 10009
(212) 228-8011

Review by: D. SCOTT SPINNEY

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NORTHERN SPY FOOD CO.


BIG FUCKIN DEAL, I like some farm-to-table organic goodness in my face, SO FUCKING SUE ME WHY DON’T YA?!  NORTHERN SPY sounds like it might be some whack ass Russian themed tapas bar where they serve drinks called the Kremlin Cream Float, but it’s TOTALLY NOT!! It’s a MAD DECE spot in the east village where you feel like you’re eating at Mama’s table if Mama was a NPR correspondent and a TREE HUMPING DENDROPHILIAC (for all you educated shitheads out there).

The Kale Salad is a STEALTH BOMB OF A MOTHERFUCKER with a SICK ASS cheese-to-green ratio to make you not feel like a JACKASS for loving the fuck out of a salad.  Don’t even get me started on their Risotto (SHIIIIIIIIIT!!)  It’s the organic pasta equal to a R. Kelly CRUNCH MUNCH REMIX FREAKKY FREAK UNDERAGE SEX JAM.  I’m not so sure what’s so local about the squid & mussel ragout, except when I’m LAPPING THAT SHIT IN MY MOUTH like a dog on a hot day (DAMN – BET YOU DIDN’T SEE THAT ONE COMIN!!) They take fancy meat n’ taters to the next level too, so you know the Roasted Chicken and Pork dish WILL RULE YOUR FACE WITH AN IRON SKILLET!  I haven’t had a SHITTER here yet.

Kale Salad – MONSTER JAM
Freekeh Risotto – MONSTER JAM
Squid & Mussel Ragout – Jam
Hudson Valley Pork – MONSTER JAM
Roasted Chicken For Two – MONSTER JAM

Jam To Crap Score:  9/10 – *90.0%*

*CERTIFIED CRAP FREE*

511 E 12th St
New York, NY 10009
(212) 228-510

Review by: D. SCOTT SPINNEY

 

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YOU’RE HIRED

This is EXACTLY the kind of RAW TALENT that we’re lookin to acquire here at ARE YOU CRAPPING ME?  You’re FUCKIN’ HIRED!


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M NOODLE SHOP

This place is the little bastard pain in the ass stepchild to M SHANGHAI that stays open til 6a (SIX IN DA MORNIN! -Snoop Dogg), but these MOTHERFUCKERS can’t figure out what the FUCK they wanna do!  They’re all over the place with their SHIT. At first you walk in here and then they’re all like “BOOM, BITCH – here’s some PERFECTLY GOLDEN FRIED SLAMMIN ASS DUMPLINGS to shove in your face so you can STICK THAT UP YOUR ASS AND SMOKE IT!!”  But then other times they’re all like “MAYBE you’d like to try a bowl of CHICKEN CURRY SHIT FESTIVAL?!?!   HMMMM?????”   Listen to me, buddy – DON’T GO TO THE SHIT FESTIVAL!  Just the DUMPLINGS, ma’am – just the DUMPLINGS.  The sliced bean curd and the mixed vegetable soup is some SIMPLE SHIT, but it’s FUCKIN GOOD.  If it’s not BROKE, then DON’T FUCK WITH IT.

 

Sliced Bean Curd with Chive Flowers – MONSTER JAM
Curry Chicken Noodle Soup – Crap!
Pork & Chive Dumplings – MONSTER JAM
Mixed Vegetable Noodle Soup – Jam
Cold Noodle with Sesame Sauce – Crap!

Jam To Crap Score: 5/10 – *50.0%*

549 Metropolitan Avenue
Brooklyn, NY 11211

(718) 384-8008

Review by: DJ MONSTER JAM

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ACAPULCO RESTAURANT


I fucking HATE IT when you show up at some Mexican place and they throw a tiny-ass bowl of STALE, CRUMBLY tortilla chips in your face, just to be like “HEY SHITHEAD, get ready to be CRAPPED ON by some of the WORST FOOD YOU’VE EVER EATEN!!! And I’ll throw in a RAGING case of the HERSHEY SQUIRTS, gratis.”

THAT BULLSHIT WILL NOT STAND AT ACAPULCO. The chips hit the table straight out the fryer, hot as hell, lightly browned and made from ACTUAL FUCKING TORTILLAS (WELL FUCK ME TEN WAYS TO SUNDAY!!!). Ten seconds into your meal and your face is TORE UP with the goods, and they don’t mind STEAMROLLING YOUR ASS with a bowl of guac either.

Should I even bother telling you how HARD the burritos are going to FUCK YOU UP??? Fine: HARD AS ROCKS, MOTHERFUCKER. I just want to tilt my head back and wriggle that shit down my throat like SOME JACKED UP SWAN. If it’s breakfast time you can say fuck it and eat a burrito (or a sandwich if you’re some kind of asshole) or drizzle some syrup over a FAT STACK of CRUNCHY FRENCH TOAST – there’s cereal in the batter and it’s GOOD AS HELL WHUUUUUUUUUT????

Chips: MONSTER JAM
Guacamole: MONSTER JAM
Carne Asada Burrito: Jam
Crunchy French Toast: MONSTER JAM
Chorizo Burrito: MONSTER JAM
Rice and Beans: Jam

Jam to Crap Score: 10/12  83.33%

*CERTIFIED CRAP FREE*

1116 Manhattan Ave
Brooklyn, NY 11222
(718) 349-8429

Review by: DJ ABYSMAL SANDWICH

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CARACAS AREPA BAR


Prepare to get BITCH SLAPPED BY SOME HOT CORN when you go to Caracas! The GODDAMN NEW YORK TIMES claims Venezuela’s economy is dominated by the oil industry. Well guess what?! My ASS GOT DOMINATED by these tasty hot pockets drenched and fried in oil. I had a fucking Bolivarian Revolution all up in my face when I DOUBLE FISTED the Los Muchachos AND the La Del Gato!! Any of the meat filled arepas RULE HARD, but for your pansy ass, Rusted Root listening hippie friend visiting you from the place where 30 year olds go to die, aka SAN FUCKSCUCKO, take them here and tell them to put some SICK ASS  guayanés cheese, fried sweet plantains and avocado slices in their pieholes and shut the FUCKKKKKK UP!

On every table a condiment the color of GARFIELD’S FAT ASS can MAKE IT RAIN ON THOSE AREPAS!! A MOTHERFUCKER of a beer cocktail called the Michelada is like five rowdy spring breaks in your mouth, and if your dumb ass forgot to have a V8, might as well get the chips and guacamole, seeing as they come out with a basket of about 5 different kinds of chips!! ARE YOU FUCKING CRAPPING ME WITH THOSE CHIPS?! The only stinker I’ve had were the Yoyos, which tasted like a homeless crap outside of the Dunkin Doughnuts after some binge drinking.

Los Muchachos – MONSTER JAM
La Del Gato – MONSTER JAM
La Sureña- MONSTER JAM
La Silvestre (salad) – Jam
Yoyos – Crap!
Michelada – MOTHERFUCKER
Guasacaca & Chips - MONSTER JAM

Jam To Crap Score: 11/14 – *78.6%*

93 1/2 E 7th St.
New York, NY 10009
(718) 218-6050
www.caracasarepabar.com

Review by: D. SCOTT SPINNEY

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KYOTO SUSHI


FUCKING CHRIST this place is BLAZING-ASS FAST.  It’s COLD and at your FUCKING DOORSTEP 10 minutes after you ordered it. (Hold the fuck on for a second, I think someone’s at my door.  OH SHIT!  It’s Kyoto… but I didn’t order anything!)  Kyoto would like nothing better than to CRAM a ton of sushi in your face RIGHT NOW, MOTHERFUCKER. They keep your debit card and address on file, so you order and BLIZZZOOOOOOOW,  YOU’RE DONE! I’m not even sure this place HAS a home – they’re just UP IN YOUR SHIT with whatever EXPEDIENTLY as fuck.

This place brings the DEALZ too – the chirashi weighs a FUCK TON, costs almost NOTHING and it’s DANK AS HELL. I like my shit RAW but the beef negima and tuna tatake KILL IT AND GRILL IT. The Gozira Roll is a MONSTER JAM NAMED AFTER A FUCKING MONSTER – these dudes are obviously GENIUSES!

Chirashi: MONSTER JAM
Beef Negima Teriyaki: MONSTER JAM
Seaweed Salad: Jam
Crazy Shrimp Roll: MONSTER JAM
Gozira Roll: MONSTER JAM
Rainbow Roll: Jam
California Sunshine Roll: Jam
Uni: Jam
Tuna Tatake: MONSTER JAM

Jam to Crap Score: 14/18 – 77.77%

*CERTIFIED CRAP FREE*

161 Nassau Ave
Brooklyn, NY 11222
(718) 383-8882

Review by: DJ ABYSMAL SANDWICH

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M SHANGHAI

Sitting in the heart of FUCK CITY, aka Williamsburg, is some actual TASTY ASS CHINESE FOOD! (Say what?!?!?) That man is never gonna leave his wife, am I right ladies?! Well, you might as well put some SICK ASS Chinese food, in your GRILLZ and GET YOURS!

To start with, just bend my ass over PRISON STYLE with these FUCKING dumplings. REGULAR ASS steamed or fried dumplings are the SHIT.  Go with the steamed seafood joints that come with the vinegar sauce they BUST OUT on the table. But if you really want to get all sexual in my throat, TRY THE SPICY WONTONS!!  They come with a peanut sauce you will want to ladle all over yourself and run through the streets screaming FUCK MY LIFE!@!!~

LEO’S DO NOT BE CRAPPIN’ ME-O Mu-Shu hot plate of Chinese fajitas is a STRAIGHT OUT THE BOX MOTHERFUCKER. The plum sauce that comes with it should be cut up into lines and snorted on a mirror in Bret Easton Ellis’s living room, it’s that freaking addictive.  Follow that up with the BEST FUCKIN LO MEIN I’VE EVER HAD, (DON’T FUCKIN CRAP’ ME  AROUND!! ) and your fat ass will be fartin’ out rainbows all the way out of FUCK CITY.

Steamed Vegetable Dumplings: Jam
Steamed Seafood Dumplings: MONSTER JAM
Steamed Pork Buns: Jam
Spicy Wontons: MONSTER JAM
Shanghai Lo Mein: MONSTER JAM
Homemade Beef Stew: Jam
Mu-Shu: MOTHERFUCKER
Regular Lo Mein: MONSTER JAM
Mixed Vegetables: Jam

Jam To Crap Score: 14/18 – *77.7%*

*CERTIFIED CRAP FREE*

292 Grand St
Brooklyn, NY 11211

(718) 384-9300

Review by: D. SCOTT SPINNEY

 

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CONGEE VILLAGE


Are you FUCKING WITH ME, Congee Village? Do you NOT expect me to SEIZE UP LIKE A THIRD-STRING QB when the waiter shows up? JUST SHOVE EVERYTHING IN MY FACE!!!!!! You want me to eat the salt and pepper squid??? HELL TO FUCKING YES I WILL!!!!!! What, a congee with roast duck and meatballs?? YES, BRING IT THE FUCK TO THE TABLE!!! And sure I’ll take SOME CHEAP-ASS BEER with that MOUNTAIN OF INSANE FOOD.

Turtle soup? That sounds kind of weird. No thank you.

HOLY FUCK JUICY BUNS. Don’t try to be cool about it – they WILL get all over your shirt but THEY KILL IT NONSTOP. The sizzling short rib plate NAILS IT and this place is full of ACTUAL ASIAN PEOPLE so you know no BULLSHIT is gonna get tolerated, so order a CRAZY AMOUNT OF FOOD and EAT IT EAT IT EAT IT and then pay like almost nothing for it.

Salt and Pepper Squid: MONSTER JAM
Beef Short Rib Sizzling Plate: MONSTER JAM
Scallion Pancake: Jam
Juicy Buns: MONSTER JAM
Cheap-Ass Beer: Jam
Congee with Roast Duck and Meatballs: MONSTER JAM
Congee with Sliced Beef and Fish: Jam
Chinese Vegetables: Jam
House Special Chicken – MONSTER JAM
Snow Pea Shoots: Jam

Jam to Crap Score: 15/20 – 75.0%

*CERTIFIED CRAP FREE*

100 Allen St
New York, NY 10002
(212) 941-1818

Review by: DJ ABYSMAL SANDWICH

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