ACAPULCO RESTAURANT

Posted: May 23, 2011 | Author: | Filed under: DINERS, GREENPOINT, MEXICAN, THE MONSTER JAM REPORT | Tags: | Leave a comment »


I fucking HATE IT when you show up at some Mexican place and they throw a tiny-ass bowl of STALE, CRUMBLY tortilla chips in your face, just to be like “HEY SHITHEAD, get ready to be CRAPPED ON by some of the WORST FOOD YOU’VE EVER EATEN!!! And I’ll throw in a RAGING case of the HERSHEY SQUIRTS, gratis.”

THAT BULLSHIT WILL NOT STAND AT ACAPULCO. The chips hit the table straight out the fryer, hot as hell, lightly browned and made from ACTUAL FUCKING TORTILLAS (WELL FUCK ME TEN WAYS TO SUNDAY!!!). Ten seconds into your meal and your face is TORE UP with the goods, and they don’t mind STEAMROLLING YOUR ASS with a bowl of guac either.

Should I even bother telling you how HARD the burritos are going to FUCK YOU UP??? Fine: HARD AS ROCKS, MOTHERFUCKER. I just want to tilt my head back and wriggle that shit down my throat like SOME JACKED UP SWAN. If it’s breakfast time you can say fuck it and eat a burrito (or a sandwich if you’re some kind of asshole) or drizzle some syrup over a FAT STACK of CRUNCHY FRENCH TOAST – there’s cereal in the batter and it’s GOOD AS HELL WHUUUUUUUUUT????

Chips: MONSTER JAM
Guacamole: MONSTER JAM
Carne Asada Burrito: Jam
Crunchy French Toast: MONSTER JAM
Chorizo Burrito: MONSTER JAM
Rice and Beans: Jam

Jam to Crap Score: 10/12  83.33%

*CERTIFIED CRAP FREE*

1116 Manhattan Ave
Brooklyn, NY 11222
(718) 349-8429

Review by: DJ ABYSMAL SANDWICH

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KYOTO SUSHI

Posted: May 23, 2011 | Author: | Filed under: GREENPOINT, SUSHI, THE MONSTER JAM REPORT | Leave a comment »


FUCKING CHRIST this place is BLAZING-ASS FAST.  It’s COLD and at your FUCKING DOORSTEP 10 minutes after you ordered it. (Hold the fuck on for a second, I think someone’s at my door.  OH SHIT!  It’s Kyoto… but I didn’t order anything!)  Kyoto would like nothing better than to CRAM a ton of sushi in your face RIGHT NOW, MOTHERFUCKER. They keep your debit card and address on file, so you order and BLIZZZOOOOOOOW,  YOU’RE DONE! I’m not even sure this place HAS a home – they’re just UP IN YOUR SHIT with whatever EXPEDIENTLY as fuck.

This place brings the DEALZ too – the chirashi weighs a FUCK TON, costs almost NOTHING and it’s DANK AS HELL. I like my shit RAW but the beef negima and tuna tatake KILL IT AND GRILL IT. The Gozira Roll is a MONSTER JAM NAMED AFTER A FUCKING MONSTER – these dudes are obviously GENIUSES!

Chirashi: MONSTER JAM
Beef Negima Teriyaki: MONSTER JAM
Seaweed Salad: Jam
Crazy Shrimp Roll: MONSTER JAM
Gozira Roll: MONSTER JAM
Rainbow Roll: Jam
California Sunshine Roll: Jam
Uni: Jam
Tuna Tatake: MONSTER JAM

Jam to Crap Score: 14/18 – 77.77%

*CERTIFIED CRAP FREE*

161 Nassau Ave
Brooklyn, NY 11222
(718) 383-8882

Review by: DJ ABYSMAL SANDWICH

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SUNSET CAFE

Posted: May 17, 2011 | Author: | Filed under: DINERS, GREENPOINT, THE MONSTER JAM REPORT | Leave a comment »


Sunset Cafe’s menu is a CLUSTERFUCK list of ways to FUCK YOUR HANGOVER UP!!! They put roast beef in a quesadilla, that’s how little they give a FUCK. You might as well just give up cause this place IS TAKING OVER YOUR LIFE as soon as you step in the door.

The reuben sandwich is an OPEN FACED MONSTER JAM BEAST. They put it down in front of you like WHAT, MOTHERFUCKER?? WHAT??  The sauerkraut and the bread stay crispy. which is how you know you’re dealing with a diner that knows its SHIT. And they don’t fuck around with the bacon – they give you an ASSLOAD of it on the side of pretty much everything. I’m gonna be real with you here: this is a GREASY ASS Brooklyn diner, so there are some REAL FUCKIN CRAPPERS on the menu, like the feta and spinach omelette, which is a watery SHIT FEST – *GAG!!!* Basically if it comes on a sandwich though, it WILL NOT BE DENIED.

Reuben Sandwich: MONSTER JAM
Cheeseburger: Jam
Breakfast Sandwich: MONSTER JAM
Feta and Spinach Omelette: Crap!
Tuna Melt: MONSTER JAM
Belgian Waffle: Jam
Coffee: Jam
French Onion Soup: MONSTER JAM
French Fries: Jam

Jam to Crap Score: 12/18 – *66.6%*

593 Meeker Ave
Brooklyn, NY 11222
(718)-349-2777

Review by: DJ ABYSMAL SANDWICH

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PETER PAN DONUTS

Posted: May 10, 2011 | Author: | Filed under: DESSERT, GREENPOINT, THE MONSTER JAM REPORT | 1 Comment »

Let’s just call a spade a spade – this place is the HOLY GRAIL MOTHERFUCKER of all donut stores so you better FUCKIN RECOGNIZE!  Everything these people make tastes like god is squirting pure heaven into your mouth.  These people don’t understand how to make any SHITTY tasting food, so if you’re really craving something that’s SHITTY then you’ll have to go somewhere else because they won’t be able to help you.  They only know how to make shit that tastes FUCKING AMAZING here, OK?  You could walk into this place with a bag over your head and tell the person working there to “SURPRISE THE SHIT OUT OF ME”, and rest assured that whatever the fuck it is is going to TASTE GREAT!
My favorite shit here is the old-fashioned cake donuts and the boston creme.  Like I said before (in case you weren’t listening) – EVERYTHING HERE RULES SO JUST FUCKING BUY SOMETHING AND STOP WHINING AND BITCHING ABOUT IT – DAMN!

Old Fashioned Donut – MONSTER JAM
Boston Creme Donut – MONSTER JAM
Whatever The Fuck Donut – MONSTER JAM MONSTER JAM MONSTER JAM…..
Coffee – Jam

Jam To Crap Score: 7/8 – *87.5%*

*CERTIFIED CRAP FREE*

727 Manhattan Ave
Brooklyn, NY 11211
(718) 389-3676

 

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