This place is the little bastard pain in the ass stepchild to M SHANGHAI that stays open til 6a (SIX IN DA MORNIN! -Snoop Dogg), but these MOTHERFUCKERS can’t figure out what the FUCK they wanna do!  They’re all over the place with their SHIT. At first you walk in here and then they’re all like “BOOM, BITCH – here’s some PERFECTLY GOLDEN FRIED SLAMMIN ASS DUMPLINGS to shove in your face so you can STICK THAT UP YOUR ASS AND SMOKE IT!!”  But then other times they’re all like “MAYBE you’d like to try a bowl of CHICKEN CURRY SHIT FESTIVAL?!?!   HMMMM?????”   Listen to me, buddy – DON’T GO TO THE SHIT FESTIVAL!  Just the DUMPLINGS, ma’am – just the DUMPLINGS.  The sliced bean curd and the mixed vegetable soup is some SIMPLE SHIT, but it’s FUCKIN GOOD.  If it’s not BROKE, then DON’T FUCK WITH IT.


Sliced Bean Curd with Chive Flowers – MONSTER JAM
Curry Chicken Noodle Soup – Crap!
Pork & Chive Dumplings – MONSTER JAM
Mixed Vegetable Noodle Soup – Jam
Cold Noodle with Sesame Sauce – Crap!

Jam To Crap Score: 5/10 – *50.0%*

549 Metropolitan Avenue
Brooklyn, NY 11211

(718) 384-8008




Are you FUCKING WITH ME, Congee Village? Do you NOT expect me to SEIZE UP LIKE A THIRD-STRING QB when the waiter shows up? JUST SHOVE EVERYTHING IN MY FACE!!!!!! You want me to eat the salt and pepper squid??? HELL TO FUCKING YES I WILL!!!!!! What, a congee with roast duck and meatballs?? YES, BRING IT THE FUCK TO THE TABLE!!! And sure I’ll take SOME CHEAP-ASS BEER with that MOUNTAIN OF INSANE FOOD.

Turtle soup? That sounds kind of weird. No thank you.

HOLY FUCK JUICY BUNS. Don’t try to be cool about it – they WILL get all over your shirt but THEY KILL IT NONSTOP. The sizzling short rib plate NAILS IT and this place is full of ACTUAL ASIAN PEOPLE so you know no BULLSHIT is gonna get tolerated, so order a CRAZY AMOUNT OF FOOD and EAT IT EAT IT EAT IT and then pay like almost nothing for it.

Salt and Pepper Squid: MONSTER JAM
Beef Short Rib Sizzling Plate: MONSTER JAM
Scallion Pancake: Jam
Cheap-Ass Beer: Jam
Congee with Roast Duck and Meatballs: MONSTER JAM
Congee with Sliced Beef and Fish: Jam
Chinese Vegetables: Jam
House Special Chicken – MONSTER JAM
Snow Pea Shoots: Jam

Jam to Crap Score: 15/20 – 75.0%


100 Allen St
New York, NY 10002
(212) 941-1818




The pork buns at this place are a BUNCH OF FUCKIN’ BULLSHIT!  Whoever says that they’re AWESOME must be out of their SKULL.  Here’s what they are: two doughy, RAW-ASS little cake patties with a nasty chunk of pork fat in the middle, some sliced onions, and some sauce that tastes like that plum sauce shit that the little “FOUR CHICKEN WING FRIED HARD” places with the bulletproof glass give you in your bag – WOOPTIEFUCKIN DOO!

The regular ramen was a JAM, but isn’t ramen the shit that you buy at the store when you’re BROKE OFF YOUR ASS cuz you can get 500 KAJILLION of them for a FUCKIN’ DOLLAR FIFTY! (AWWWWW WHAT WHAT!  BOOYA!!)
I also had the brisket ramen and I have to admit that that shit was FUCKIN SICK YO!  It tasted like they tossed a corned beef sandwich into my soup and just let that shit SIMMER!  (OH HELL NAW!)

Pork Bun – Crap!
Momofuku Ramen – Jam
Brisket Ramen – MONSTER JAM
Roasted Brussel Sprouts – MONSTER JAM
Roasted Potatoes – Jam
Ice Cream – Jam

Jam To Crap Score: 7/12 – *58.3%*

171 1st Ave
New York, NY 10003
(212) 777-7773




I hit this place for the first time today and I almost LOST MY SHIT.  I walked out of here with THIRTY FIVE dumplings and 2 sesame pancakes for $9! That’s right, NINE BUCKS FOR 35 DUMPLINGS AND TWO PANCAKES!?!?  WTF???!!! Has anyone told these people that they live in New York City?  I hope not!

Pork and Chive Steamed Dumplings – MONSTER JAM
Veggie and Pork Steamed Dumplings – Jam
Pork and Chive Fried Dumplings – MOTHERFUCKER
Sesame Pancake with Veggies – Jam

Jam to Crap Score: 6.5/8 – 81.25%

*Certified Crap Free*

46 Eldridge St
New York, NY 10002
(212) 343-0683