Ever since Tony ‘I DON’T NEED NO FUCKIN RESERVATIONS BOOZE FUNK SMELLING DIVORCED BUM’ Bourdain went to this hole in the ASS Chinese noodle joint in Flushing and blew a LOAD on this place, Xi’An Famous Foods has been spreading its seed like a HORNY TEENAGER.  Every five seconds one of these SHITS pops up! AND WHY?! CUS IT’S FUCKING GOOD AS BALLS THAT’S WHY!

The noodles are SICK and they HAND PULL THEM SHITZ! If you want to set your bland cubicle on FUCKING FIRE, then set it off with some spicy lamb cumin noodles– THEY RULE HARD! The spicy and tingly beef is just as much of a RING STINGING FIRE BREATHER, but the tingle will make you go HMMMMM in the best possible way. The ‘burgers’ are a FIERCE, OH NO SHE DINNIT LOVECHILD of an arepa and a pulled pork sandwich (HIGH ASS MARKS FOR THE LAMB). THE STEWED OXTAIL is a FAT JOINT while the spicy and tingly lamb face salad FUCKING LAMB FACED MY SALAD.  I wasn’t as into the cold skin noodles cus’ I keeps it hot in my house, but HANNIBAL GODDAMN LECTER said he had that shit with a nice Chianti and was lovin’ it. Not a true CRAPPNESS in sight.

Spicy Lamb Burger: MONSTER JAM
Stewed Pork Burger: Jam
Lamb Hand Ripped Noodles: Jam
Spicy and Tingly Beef Noodles: Jam
Oxtail Soup: MONSTER JAM
Lamb Face Salad: Jam
Cold Skin Noodles: Jam

Jam To Crap Score: 9/14 – *64.3%*


81 St. Marks Pl
New York, NY 10003

(212) 786-2068





This place is the little bastard pain in the ass stepchild to M SHANGHAI that stays open til 6a (SIX IN DA MORNIN! -Snoop Dogg), but these MOTHERFUCKERS can’t figure out what the FUCK they wanna do!  They’re all over the place with their SHIT. At first you walk in here and then they’re all like “BOOM, BITCH – here’s some PERFECTLY GOLDEN FRIED SLAMMIN ASS DUMPLINGS to shove in your face so you can STICK THAT UP YOUR ASS AND SMOKE IT!!”  But then other times they’re all like “MAYBE you’d like to try a bowl of CHICKEN CURRY SHIT FESTIVAL?!?!   HMMMM?????”   Listen to me, buddy – DON’T GO TO THE SHIT FESTIVAL!  Just the DUMPLINGS, ma’am – just the DUMPLINGS.  The sliced bean curd and the mixed vegetable soup is some SIMPLE SHIT, but it’s FUCKIN GOOD.  If it’s not BROKE, then DON’T FUCK WITH IT.


Sliced Bean Curd with Chive Flowers – MONSTER JAM
Curry Chicken Noodle Soup – Crap!
Pork & Chive Dumplings – MONSTER JAM
Mixed Vegetable Noodle Soup – Jam
Cold Noodle with Sesame Sauce – Crap!

Jam To Crap Score: 5/10 – *50.0%*

549 Metropolitan Avenue
Brooklyn, NY 11211

(718) 384-8008




Sitting in the heart of FUCK CITY, aka Williamsburg, is some actual TASTY ASS CHINESE FOOD! (Say what?!?!?) That man is never gonna leave his wife, am I right ladies?! Well, you might as well put some SICK ASS Chinese food, in your GRILLZ and GET YOURS!

To start with, just bend my ass over PRISON STYLE with these FUCKING dumplings. REGULAR ASS steamed or fried dumplings are the SHIT.  Go with the steamed seafood joints that come with the vinegar sauce they BUST OUT on the table. But if you really want to get all sexual in my throat, TRY THE SPICY WONTONS!!  They come with a peanut sauce you will want to ladle all over yourself and run through the streets screaming FUCK MY LIFE!@!!~

LEO’S DO NOT BE CRAPPIN’ ME-O Mu-Shu hot plate of Chinese fajitas is a STRAIGHT OUT THE BOX MOTHERFUCKER. The plum sauce that comes with it should be cut up into lines and snorted on a mirror in Bret Easton Ellis’s living room, it’s that freaking addictive.  Follow that up with the BEST FUCKIN LO MEIN I’VE EVER HAD, (DON’T FUCKIN CRAP’ ME  AROUND!! ) and your fat ass will be fartin’ out rainbows all the way out of FUCK CITY.

Steamed Vegetable Dumplings: Jam
Steamed Seafood Dumplings: MONSTER JAM
Steamed Pork Buns: Jam
Spicy Wontons: MONSTER JAM
Shanghai Lo Mein: MONSTER JAM
Homemade Beef Stew: Jam
Regular Lo Mein: MONSTER JAM
Mixed Vegetables: Jam

Jam To Crap Score: 14/18 – *77.7%*


292 Grand St
Brooklyn, NY 11211

(718) 384-9300





Are you FUCKING WITH ME, Congee Village? Do you NOT expect me to SEIZE UP LIKE A THIRD-STRING QB when the waiter shows up? JUST SHOVE EVERYTHING IN MY FACE!!!!!! You want me to eat the salt and pepper squid??? HELL TO FUCKING YES I WILL!!!!!! What, a congee with roast duck and meatballs?? YES, BRING IT THE FUCK TO THE TABLE!!! And sure I’ll take SOME CHEAP-ASS BEER with that MOUNTAIN OF INSANE FOOD.

Turtle soup? That sounds kind of weird. No thank you.

HOLY FUCK JUICY BUNS. Don’t try to be cool about it – they WILL get all over your shirt but THEY KILL IT NONSTOP. The sizzling short rib plate NAILS IT and this place is full of ACTUAL ASIAN PEOPLE so you know no BULLSHIT is gonna get tolerated, so order a CRAZY AMOUNT OF FOOD and EAT IT EAT IT EAT IT and then pay like almost nothing for it.

Salt and Pepper Squid: MONSTER JAM
Beef Short Rib Sizzling Plate: MONSTER JAM
Scallion Pancake: Jam
Cheap-Ass Beer: Jam
Congee with Roast Duck and Meatballs: MONSTER JAM
Congee with Sliced Beef and Fish: Jam
Chinese Vegetables: Jam
House Special Chicken – MONSTER JAM
Snow Pea Shoots: Jam

Jam to Crap Score: 15/20 – 75.0%


100 Allen St
New York, NY 10002
(212) 941-1818




The pork buns at this place are a BUNCH OF FUCKIN’ BULLSHIT!  Whoever says that they’re AWESOME must be out of their SKULL.  Here’s what they are: two doughy, RAW-ASS little cake patties with a nasty chunk of pork fat in the middle, some sliced onions, and some sauce that tastes like that plum sauce shit that the little “FOUR CHICKEN WING FRIED HARD” places with the bulletproof glass give you in your bag – WOOPTIEFUCKIN DOO!

The regular ramen was a JAM, but isn’t ramen the shit that you buy at the store when you’re BROKE OFF YOUR ASS cuz you can get 500 KAJILLION of them for a FUCKIN’ DOLLAR FIFTY! (AWWWWW WHAT WHAT!  BOOYA!!)
I also had the brisket ramen and I have to admit that that shit was FUCKIN SICK YO!  It tasted like they tossed a corned beef sandwich into my soup and just let that shit SIMMER!  (OH HELL NAW!)

Pork Bun – Crap!
Momofuku Ramen – Jam
Brisket Ramen – MONSTER JAM
Roasted Brussel Sprouts – MONSTER JAM
Roasted Potatoes – Jam
Ice Cream – Jam

Jam To Crap Score: 7/12 – *58.3%*

171 1st Ave
New York, NY 10003
(212) 777-7773




The hot pot comes with two broths.  One side is this pretty mild but flavorful chicken based broth, but the other side is SATAN’S NUCLEAR FLAMING HELL PIT OF ETERNAL FIRE AND SUFFERING.  If you can’t handle spicy food then just stay the hell away.

Be prepared to put in some serious time on the crapper the next morning.  You will definitely walk away with a bit of the ‘ol RING STING.  OUCH!

If you’re lucky enough to be seated downstairs, there’s a futon mattress that anyone can just pass out on once you’ve eaten yourself into a food coma.  Very Handy!!

Sliced Beef – MONSTER JAM
Clear Rice Noodles – Jam
Wheat Noodles – MONSTER JAM
Abelone Mushrooms – Crap!
Shitake Mushrooms – MONSTER JAM
Chinese Cabbage – Jam
Pork Dumplings – Jam
Peanut Sauce – Jam
Spicy Sauce – MONSTER JAM
Spicy Peanut Sauce Combo – MONSTER JAM

Jam To Crap Score: 19/24 – *79.1%*

125 Canal St
New York, NY 10002
(212) 625-9212



I hit this place for the first time today and I almost LOST MY SHIT.  I walked out of here with THIRTY FIVE dumplings and 2 sesame pancakes for $9! That’s right, NINE BUCKS FOR 35 DUMPLINGS AND TWO PANCAKES!?!?  WTF???!!! Has anyone told these people that they live in New York City?  I hope not!

Pork and Chive Steamed Dumplings – MONSTER JAM
Veggie and Pork Steamed Dumplings – Jam
Pork and Chive Fried Dumplings – MOTHERFUCKER
Sesame Pancake with Veggies – Jam

Jam to Crap Score: 6.5/8 – 81.25%

*Certified Crap Free*

46 Eldridge St
New York, NY 10002
(212) 343-0683