FANNY


This place has some kind of $5 martini happy hour at night, so I assume if you’re FUCKING RIPPIN AND ZIPPIN’ on some crushed up Ritalin that you found under some FUCKING PASSED OUT HIPSTER IN AMERICAN APPAREL STRIPED JODPHURS that is in turn FUCKING PASSED OUT ON ANOTHER HIPSTER’S TARD CAT NAMED JOY DIVISION, then you’re probably in for A SICK EVENING.  I had the brunch here, which was some FUCKING MIDDLE-OF-THE ROAD, IT’LL DO BUT I’VE HAD BETTER HAND JOBS IN THE BACK OF A FORD TAURUS quality.  If you want to take your mildly funny acquaintance who mostly wears jeans and tees and thinks the FUCKING YAWN SNORE HOLD STEADY are the second coming out of JESUS H. BRUNCH, go to Fanny. They’ll probably love it with their MEDIOCORE ASS.

I will admit the Poached Egg and Tarragon Shrimps was a solid MONSTER JAM.  THEY GET STINGY ON THAT A$$ with only three shrimp, but they’re CRISPY N’ SPICY LIL MOTHERFUCKERS covered in DECE dollops of GUSSIED UP YOGURT and they don’t look like some OL’ LONG JOHN SILVER MIDWESTERN BULLSHIT POPCORN SHRIMP EITHER.  The baked eggs with ratatouille is nothing to write home about, but it was HOT N’ SERVICEABLE LIKE YOUR MAMA’S ASS!!!! (AW NO SHE DINNIT!! BOOM!!).  If you’re going for the brunch special, get the mimosa cus the BLOODY MARY’S SOME BLOODY FUCKIN BULLSHIT, but I’m not gonna crap it cus it ain’t worth my time, neither is the Hold Steady, or for my money, this brunch again.  I’ll see you FUCKTARDS UNDER THE BAR when I’ve had my money’s worth of those happy hour martinis.  PEAYCE!

Baked Eggs Over Ratatouille – Jam
Poached Egg and Tarragon Shrimps – MONSTER JAM
Steak and Egg – Jam
Spanish Tortilla – Jam (think Phil Collin’s Tonight Tonight, not great but not terrible)
Mimosa – Jam
Home Fries – Jam
Burger – MONSTER JAM

Jam To Crap Score: 9/14 – *64.3%*

*CERTIFIED CRAP FREE*

425 Graham Ave
Brooklyn, NY 11211

(718) 389-2060

Review by: D. SCOTT SPINNEY

 

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HAREFIELD ROAD

These are the keywords that I’m gonna kick this shit off with: SOLID, GO-TO, DECENT, NOT HALF BAD.  This place has a SUPER DECE bar atmosphere and wait staff that look at you like you’re a FUCKING MORON when you order, cus let’s face it, you probably are.  BUT, how do I put this delicately…THIS PLACE HAS SOME SERIOUS FUCKING CRAP TOO! It’s like a pretty, smart girl with some SERIOUS MUFFIN TOP.  BUT STOP FUCKING COMPLAINING!! YOUR ASS ISN’T COOL ENOUGH TO GET ANYONE AWESOME ANY GODDAMN WAY!!

The Huevos Rancheros is a MOS DEF MONSTER JAM and you can actually differentiate what you’re putting in your mouth INSTEAD OF SOME HOT SLOP MASH OF EGG SALSA.  The bloody mary is another SOLID JAM OF SPICEY BOOZE to light a fire under your lazy ass.  The BLT isn’t quite a monster, but it gets BIG ASS PROPS for actual hand carved turkey and not BULLSHITTING ME WITH SOME BODEGA DELI SLICES YOU EAT WHILE YOU’RE HUNGOVER IN YOUR UNDERWEAR WATCHING THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL.  BUT, unless you’re some SICK FECAL FREAK that actually likes the taste of SHIT in your mouth then stay the fuck away from the breakfast burrito.  It’s a certified WET JUICY CRAPHOLE.  The turkey wrap looked like a PIECE OF SHIT as well.  If you steer clear of any of the BULLSHIT wraps, you’ll PROBABLY be in the serious clear for a relatively dope experience.

Huevos Rancheros: MONSTER JAM
BLT: Jam
Breakfast Burrito: Crap!
Bloody Mary: Jam
Eggs Benedict: Jam
Home Fries: Jam

Jam To Crap Score: 6/12 – *50.0%*

769 Metropolitan Ave
Brooklyn, NY 11226

(718) 388-6870

Review by: D. SCOTT SPINNEY

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PRUNE

I usually don’t give A RAT’S SQUIRRLEY FUCKING ASS about some DUMBASS brunch! And, why, why you ask?  WELL SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR A SECOND AND I’LL TELL YOU —- DAMN!  (8=====D~~~~)!!!!  It’s RED AND MOTHERFUCKING YELLOW on repeat!!  Cus those are the only COLORS on a brunch plate!!  It’s some FUCKING BORING over priced eggs drenched in red sauce (WHO GIVES A SHIIIIIT????) *PUKE* BLEHHHHHHH!!!!! But, guess what?! There’s a brunch out there that proved MY SAD STUPID LITTLE ASS WRONG and it’s the MAD DECE brunch at Prune.

Seriously,  I would suck some REBUPLICAN DONKEY DICK for this brunch it rules THAT FUCKING HARD.  First of all, don’t even get me started on the Bloody Mary’s. Usually, I can take or leave these BORING ASS SHITS, but JESUS ON A FUCKING POGO STICK they’re FUCKIN WAILIN ON DAT AZZZZ!!!!! The Matchbox is my fave, with a SICK ARRANGEMENT of pickled vegetables that makes me feel like 007 ON A COKE BINGE, and it comes with a shot of BOB MARLEY’S GLASS BONG OF CHOICE RED STRIPE.  If that wasn’t enough, the food is OFF THE MOTHERFUCKING CHARTS. The Spaghetti A La Carbonara rips a hole in Bitali’s ass, with just the right amount of cream sauce and bacon.  The Eggs “En Cocotte”, or as I like to call it THE BEST FRIGGIN’ ‘WHO CAME UP WITH THIS FUCKING MEAL?’ OF ALL TIME should be put in a baby’s bottle ‘cus I WILL SLURP THAT SHIT UP (Daaaaaaamn!).  If you’re feeling like you want the meal equal to NUT HUGGER JEANS, HOUSE MUSIC, AND STUPID QUESTIONS get the Youth Hostel Breakfast-it doesn’t suck. Another jam is the stewed chikpeas, it gives some sweaty Moroccan eggs a run for its money. Word on the street is, a certain Brooklyn based actress BLEW UP THE DAMN BATHROOM THIS PLACE IS SO SICK. Not naming names, but it rhymes with SAGGY STICK ‘N BALLZ.

Spaghetti A La Carbonara – MONSTER JAM
Youth Hostel Breakfast – Jam
Egg “En Cocotte” – MONSTER JAM
Spicy Stewed Chickpeas – Jam
Fresh Ricotta – Jam
Box Car Blood Mary – MONSTER JAM

Jam To Crap Score: 9/12 – *75.0%*

*CERTIFIED CRAP FREE*

54 E 1st St
New York, NY 10003

(212) 677-6221

Review by: D. SCOTT SPINNEY



 

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X’IAN FAMOUS FOODS


Ever since Tony ‘I DON’T NEED NO FUCKIN RESERVATIONS BOOZE FUNK SMELLING DIVORCED BUM’ Bourdain went to this hole in the ASS Chinese noodle joint in Flushing and blew a LOAD on this place, Xi’An Famous Foods has been spreading its seed like a HORNY TEENAGER.  Every five seconds one of these SHITS pops up! AND WHY?! CUS IT’S FUCKING GOOD AS BALLS THAT’S WHY!

The noodles are SICK and they HAND PULL THEM SHITZ! If you want to set your bland cubicle on FUCKING FIRE, then set it off with some spicy lamb cumin noodles– THEY RULE HARD! The spicy and tingly beef is just as much of a RING STINGING FIRE BREATHER, but the tingle will make you go HMMMMM in the best possible way. The ‘burgers’ are a FIERCE, OH NO SHE DINNIT LOVECHILD of an arepa and a pulled pork sandwich (HIGH ASS MARKS FOR THE LAMB). THE STEWED OXTAIL is a FAT JOINT while the spicy and tingly lamb face salad FUCKING LAMB FACED MY SALAD.  I wasn’t as into the cold skin noodles cus’ I keeps it hot in my house, but HANNIBAL GODDAMN LECTER said he had that shit with a nice Chianti and was lovin’ it. Not a true CRAPPNESS in sight.

Spicy Lamb Burger: MONSTER JAM
Stewed Pork Burger: Jam
Lamb Hand Ripped Noodles: Jam
Spicy and Tingly Beef Noodles: Jam
Oxtail Soup: MONSTER JAM
Lamb Face Salad: Jam
Cold Skin Noodles: Jam

Jam To Crap Score: 9/14 – *64.3%*

*CERTIFIED CRAP FREE*

81 St. Marks Pl
New York, NY 10003

(212) 786-2068

Review by: D. SCOTT SPINNEY

 

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WHITMAN’S

LISTEN UP, I don’t live in BUMFUCK DUMBASS LET’S GO BURN A KORAN USA, I live in goddamn NEW YORK CITY.  That means that the LAST thing I want after a long day at my BULLSHIT job is a HORSE DICK sized EXPENSIVE MOTHERFUCKER of a burger that’s gonna ASS RAPE my paycheck and is so RETARDED big that I can’t even wrap my whole mouth around the stupid ass thing– FUCK THAT NOISE!  Who’s FUCKING ASS do I have to kick to get a CULINARY MASTERPIECE of a BURGER?!  I guess WHITMAN’S is up for the challenge!  BRING IT!

SHIT, don’t even get me started on the Juicy Lucy, it’s their SIGNATURE MOTHERFUCKER, and by signature, I mean I got my ASS TOSSED on the sidewalk by it. It’s like these people hired CHEECH AND CHONG to take a short rib sandwich and get all PREGNANT LADY STYLE on its AZZ with some pimento cheese and spicy pickles! (WHAT THE FUCK??!) And speaking of stoned pregnant ladies—THERE’S A BURGER WITH PEANUT BUTTER AND BACON!! ARE YOU FUCKING DEAF?! DO I NEED TO KEEP GOING??

I guess if you feel like PUSSY FOOTING on some non-burger action (then why the fuck did you come here??) then try the Succotash Made Rite. BUT, RED ALERT:  the chicken on greens is some menu filler BULLSHIT and they need to take it off the rotation cuz I AIN’T EVEN TRYIN’ TO HEAR THAT CRAP.  It’s the LONE SHITTER in the room.

Juicy Lucy: MONSTER JAM
PB and B Burger: MONSTER JAM
Upstate Burger: Jam
Revis: Jam
Succotash Made Rite: Jam
Chicken on Greens: Crap!
Cracked Kale: Jam

Jam To Crap Score: 8/14 – *57.1%*

406 E 9th St
New York, NY 10009
(212) 228-8011

Review by: D. SCOTT SPINNEY

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NORTHERN SPY FOOD CO.


BIG FUCKIN DEAL, I like some farm-to-table organic goodness in my face, SO FUCKING SUE ME WHY DON’T YA?!  NORTHERN SPY sounds like it might be some whack ass Russian themed tapas bar where they serve drinks called the Kremlin Cream Float, but it’s TOTALLY NOT!! It’s a MAD DECE spot in the east village where you feel like you’re eating at Mama’s table if Mama was a NPR correspondent and a TREE HUMPING DENDROPHILIAC (for all you educated shitheads out there).

The Kale Salad is a STEALTH BOMB OF A MOTHERFUCKER with a SICK ASS cheese-to-green ratio to make you not feel like a JACKASS for loving the fuck out of a salad.  Don’t even get me started on their Risotto (SHIIIIIIIIIT!!)  It’s the organic pasta equal to a R. Kelly CRUNCH MUNCH REMIX FREAKKY FREAK UNDERAGE SEX JAM.  I’m not so sure what’s so local about the squid & mussel ragout, except when I’m LAPPING THAT SHIT IN MY MOUTH like a dog on a hot day (DAMN – BET YOU DIDN’T SEE THAT ONE COMIN!!) They take fancy meat n’ taters to the next level too, so you know the Roasted Chicken and Pork dish WILL RULE YOUR FACE WITH AN IRON SKILLET!  I haven’t had a SHITTER here yet.

Kale Salad – MONSTER JAM
Freekeh Risotto – MONSTER JAM
Squid & Mussel Ragout – Jam
Hudson Valley Pork – MONSTER JAM
Roasted Chicken For Two – MONSTER JAM

Jam To Crap Score:  9/10 – *90.0%*

*CERTIFIED CRAP FREE*

511 E 12th St
New York, NY 10009
(212) 228-510

Review by: D. SCOTT SPINNEY

 

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YOU’RE HIRED

This is EXACTLY the kind of RAW TALENT that we’re lookin to acquire here at ARE YOU CRAPPING ME?  You’re FUCKIN’ HIRED!


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M NOODLE SHOP

This place is the little bastard pain in the ass stepchild to M SHANGHAI that stays open til 6a (SIX IN DA MORNIN! -Snoop Dogg), but these MOTHERFUCKERS can’t figure out what the FUCK they wanna do!  They’re all over the place with their SHIT. At first you walk in here and then they’re all like “BOOM, BITCH – here’s some PERFECTLY GOLDEN FRIED SLAMMIN ASS DUMPLINGS to shove in your face so you can STICK THAT UP YOUR ASS AND SMOKE IT!!”  But then other times they’re all like “MAYBE you’d like to try a bowl of CHICKEN CURRY SHIT FESTIVAL?!?!   HMMMM?????”   Listen to me, buddy – DON’T GO TO THE SHIT FESTIVAL!  Just the DUMPLINGS, ma’am – just the DUMPLINGS.  The sliced bean curd and the mixed vegetable soup is some SIMPLE SHIT, but it’s FUCKIN GOOD.  If it’s not BROKE, then DON’T FUCK WITH IT.

 

Sliced Bean Curd with Chive Flowers – MONSTER JAM
Curry Chicken Noodle Soup – Crap!
Pork & Chive Dumplings – MONSTER JAM
Mixed Vegetable Noodle Soup – Jam
Cold Noodle with Sesame Sauce – Crap!

Jam To Crap Score: 5/10 – *50.0%*

549 Metropolitan Avenue
Brooklyn, NY 11211

(718) 384-8008

Review by: DJ MONSTER JAM

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CARACAS AREPA BAR


Prepare to get BITCH SLAPPED BY SOME HOT CORN when you go to Caracas! The GODDAMN NEW YORK TIMES claims Venezuela’s economy is dominated by the oil industry. Well guess what?! My ASS GOT DOMINATED by these tasty hot pockets drenched and fried in oil. I had a fucking Bolivarian Revolution all up in my face when I DOUBLE FISTED the Los Muchachos AND the La Del Gato!! Any of the meat filled arepas RULE HARD, but for your pansy ass, Rusted Root listening hippie friend visiting you from the place where 30 year olds go to die, aka SAN FUCKSCUCKO, take them here and tell them to put some SICK ASS  guayanés cheese, fried sweet plantains and avocado slices in their pieholes and shut the FUCKKKKKK UP!

On every table a condiment the color of GARFIELD’S FAT ASS can MAKE IT RAIN ON THOSE AREPAS!! A MOTHERFUCKER of a beer cocktail called the Michelada is like five rowdy spring breaks in your mouth, and if your dumb ass forgot to have a V8, might as well get the chips and guacamole, seeing as they come out with a basket of about 5 different kinds of chips!! ARE YOU FUCKING CRAPPING ME WITH THOSE CHIPS?! The only stinker I’ve had were the Yoyos, which tasted like a homeless crap outside of the Dunkin Doughnuts after some binge drinking.

Los Muchachos – MONSTER JAM
La Del Gato – MONSTER JAM
La Sureña- MONSTER JAM
La Silvestre (salad) – Jam
Yoyos – Crap!
Michelada – MOTHERFUCKER
Guasacaca & Chips - MONSTER JAM

Jam To Crap Score: 11/14 – *78.6%*

93 1/2 E 7th St.
New York, NY 10009
(718) 218-6050
www.caracasarepabar.com

Review by: D. SCOTT SPINNEY

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KYOTO SUSHI


FUCKING CHRIST this place is BLAZING-ASS FAST.  It’s COLD and at your FUCKING DOORSTEP 10 minutes after you ordered it. (Hold the fuck on for a second, I think someone’s at my door.  OH SHIT!  It’s Kyoto… but I didn’t order anything!)  Kyoto would like nothing better than to CRAM a ton of sushi in your face RIGHT NOW, MOTHERFUCKER. They keep your debit card and address on file, so you order and BLIZZZOOOOOOOW,  YOU’RE DONE! I’m not even sure this place HAS a home – they’re just UP IN YOUR SHIT with whatever EXPEDIENTLY as fuck.

This place brings the DEALZ too – the chirashi weighs a FUCK TON, costs almost NOTHING and it’s DANK AS HELL. I like my shit RAW but the beef negima and tuna tatake KILL IT AND GRILL IT. The Gozira Roll is a MONSTER JAM NAMED AFTER A FUCKING MONSTER – these dudes are obviously GENIUSES!

Chirashi: MONSTER JAM
Beef Negima Teriyaki: MONSTER JAM
Seaweed Salad: Jam
Crazy Shrimp Roll: MONSTER JAM
Gozira Roll: MONSTER JAM
Rainbow Roll: Jam
California Sunshine Roll: Jam
Uni: Jam
Tuna Tatake: MONSTER JAM

Jam to Crap Score: 14/18 – 77.77%

*CERTIFIED CRAP FREE*

161 Nassau Ave
Brooklyn, NY 11222
(718) 383-8882

Review by: DJ ABYSMAL SANDWICH

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