This place has some kind of $5 martini happy hour at night, so I assume if you’re FUCKING RIPPIN AND ZIPPIN’ on some crushed up Ritalin that you found under some FUCKING PASSED OUT HIPSTER IN AMERICAN APPAREL STRIPED JODPHURS that is in turn FUCKING PASSED OUT ON ANOTHER HIPSTER’S TARD CAT NAMED JOY DIVISION, then you’re probably in for A SICK EVENING.  I had the brunch here, which was some FUCKING MIDDLE-OF-THE ROAD, IT’LL DO BUT I’VE HAD BETTER HAND JOBS IN THE BACK OF A FORD TAURUS quality.  If you want to take your mildly funny acquaintance who mostly wears jeans and tees and thinks the FUCKING YAWN SNORE HOLD STEADY are the second coming out of JESUS H. BRUNCH, go to Fanny. They’ll probably love it with their MEDIOCORE ASS.

I will admit the Poached Egg and Tarragon Shrimps was a solid MONSTER JAM.  THEY GET STINGY ON THAT A$$ with only three shrimp, but they’re CRISPY N’ SPICY LIL MOTHERFUCKERS covered in DECE dollops of GUSSIED UP YOGURT and they don’t look like some OL’ LONG JOHN SILVER MIDWESTERN BULLSHIT POPCORN SHRIMP EITHER.  The baked eggs with ratatouille is nothing to write home about, but it was HOT N’ SERVICEABLE LIKE YOUR MAMA’S ASS!!!! (AW NO SHE DINNIT!! BOOM!!).  If you’re going for the brunch special, get the mimosa cus the BLOODY MARY’S SOME BLOODY FUCKIN BULLSHIT, but I’m not gonna crap it cus it ain’t worth my time, neither is the Hold Steady, or for my money, this brunch again.  I’ll see you FUCKTARDS UNDER THE BAR when I’ve had my money’s worth of those happy hour martinis.  PEAYCE!

Baked Eggs Over Ratatouille – Jam
Poached Egg and Tarragon Shrimps – MONSTER JAM
Steak and Egg – Jam
Spanish Tortilla – Jam (think Phil Collin’s Tonight Tonight, not great but not terrible)
Mimosa – Jam
Home Fries – Jam

Jam To Crap Score: 9/14 – *64.3%*


425 Graham Ave
Brooklyn, NY 11211

(718) 389-2060





These are the keywords that I’m gonna kick this shit off with: SOLID, GO-TO, DECENT, NOT HALF BAD.  This place has a SUPER DECE bar atmosphere and wait staff that look at you like you’re a FUCKING MORON when you order, cus let’s face it, you probably are.  BUT, how do I put this delicately…THIS PLACE HAS SOME SERIOUS FUCKING CRAP TOO! It’s like a pretty, smart girl with some SERIOUS MUFFIN TOP.  BUT STOP FUCKING COMPLAINING!! YOUR ASS ISN’T COOL ENOUGH TO GET ANYONE AWESOME ANY GODDAMN WAY!!

The Huevos Rancheros is a MOS DEF MONSTER JAM and you can actually differentiate what you’re putting in your mouth INSTEAD OF SOME HOT SLOP MASH OF EGG SALSA.  The bloody mary is another SOLID JAM OF SPICEY BOOZE to light a fire under your lazy ass.  The BLT isn’t quite a monster, but it gets BIG ASS PROPS for actual hand carved turkey and not BULLSHITTING ME WITH SOME BODEGA DELI SLICES YOU EAT WHILE YOU’RE HUNGOVER IN YOUR UNDERWEAR WATCHING THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL.  BUT, unless you’re some SICK FECAL FREAK that actually likes the taste of SHIT in your mouth then stay the fuck away from the breakfast burrito.  It’s a certified WET JUICY CRAPHOLE.  The turkey wrap looked like a PIECE OF SHIT as well.  If you steer clear of any of the BULLSHIT wraps, you’ll PROBABLY be in the serious clear for a relatively dope experience.

Huevos Rancheros: MONSTER JAM
BLT: Jam
Breakfast Burrito: Crap!
Bloody Mary: Jam
Eggs Benedict: Jam
Home Fries: Jam

Jam To Crap Score: 6/12 – *50.0%*

769 Metropolitan Ave
Brooklyn, NY 11226

(718) 388-6870




Momo Sushi Shack sounds like some strip-mall SHIT HOLE where your FATASS midwestern relatives shovel pounds of MAGGOT COVERED WINN DIXIE FISH into their mouths and FART LEE GREENWOOD SONGS to each other like a couple a half-retarded blue whales passing in the night, BUT IT’S NOT LIKE THAT SO STOP TALKIN’ LIKE YOU KNOW – YOU DON’T KNOW SHIT!

This is some FANCY MOTHERFUCKING SUSHI, it’s DAINTY AS SHIT, with little piles of raw (FRESH, NON-MAGGOT) fish, mayonnaise and wasabi arranged just so on top of some perfectly cooked rice. You’re going to feel like BUSHWICK’S BIGGEST PUSSY ASS trying to delicately wedge each of these FAT FUCKING WADS OF ARTISTRY in your face hole without looking like a DRUNK redneck in front of a plate of fried pork rinds.  If you’re feeling all self-conscious around all this BEAUTIFUL FUCKING FOOD, order the Pork Betty, which is ugly as shit, and then BEAT ITS ASS WITH THE UGLY STICK some more by dropping a 6-minute egg on top.

Pork Betty – MONSTER JAM
Spicy Mc Bomb – Jam
Mc Low Bomb – Jam
Spicy Una Bomb – MONSTER JAM

Jam to Crap Score: 8/10, 80%


43 Bogart Street
Brooklyn, NY 11206
(718) 418-6666



This place is the little bastard pain in the ass stepchild to M SHANGHAI that stays open til 6a (SIX IN DA MORNIN! -Snoop Dogg), but these MOTHERFUCKERS can’t figure out what the FUCK they wanna do!  They’re all over the place with their SHIT. At first you walk in here and then they’re all like “BOOM, BITCH – here’s some PERFECTLY GOLDEN FRIED SLAMMIN ASS DUMPLINGS to shove in your face so you can STICK THAT UP YOUR ASS AND SMOKE IT!!”  But then other times they’re all like “MAYBE you’d like to try a bowl of CHICKEN CURRY SHIT FESTIVAL?!?!   HMMMM?????”   Listen to me, buddy – DON’T GO TO THE SHIT FESTIVAL!  Just the DUMPLINGS, ma’am – just the DUMPLINGS.  The sliced bean curd and the mixed vegetable soup is some SIMPLE SHIT, but it’s FUCKIN GOOD.  If it’s not BROKE, then DON’T FUCK WITH IT.


Sliced Bean Curd with Chive Flowers – MONSTER JAM
Curry Chicken Noodle Soup – Crap!
Pork & Chive Dumplings – MONSTER JAM
Mixed Vegetable Noodle Soup – Jam
Cold Noodle with Sesame Sauce – Crap!

Jam To Crap Score: 5/10 – *50.0%*

549 Metropolitan Avenue
Brooklyn, NY 11211

(718) 384-8008




Sitting in the heart of FUCK CITY, aka Williamsburg, is some actual TASTY ASS CHINESE FOOD! (Say what?!?!?) That man is never gonna leave his wife, am I right ladies?! Well, you might as well put some SICK ASS Chinese food, in your GRILLZ and GET YOURS!

To start with, just bend my ass over PRISON STYLE with these FUCKING dumplings. REGULAR ASS steamed or fried dumplings are the SHIT.  Go with the steamed seafood joints that come with the vinegar sauce they BUST OUT on the table. But if you really want to get all sexual in my throat, TRY THE SPICY WONTONS!!  They come with a peanut sauce you will want to ladle all over yourself and run through the streets screaming FUCK MY LIFE!@!!~

LEO’S DO NOT BE CRAPPIN’ ME-O Mu-Shu hot plate of Chinese fajitas is a STRAIGHT OUT THE BOX MOTHERFUCKER. The plum sauce that comes with it should be cut up into lines and snorted on a mirror in Bret Easton Ellis’s living room, it’s that freaking addictive.  Follow that up with the BEST FUCKIN LO MEIN I’VE EVER HAD, (DON’T FUCKIN CRAP’ ME  AROUND!! ) and your fat ass will be fartin’ out rainbows all the way out of FUCK CITY.

Steamed Vegetable Dumplings: Jam
Steamed Seafood Dumplings: MONSTER JAM
Steamed Pork Buns: Jam
Spicy Wontons: MONSTER JAM
Shanghai Lo Mein: MONSTER JAM
Homemade Beef Stew: Jam
Regular Lo Mein: MONSTER JAM
Mixed Vegetables: Jam

Jam To Crap Score: 14/18 – *77.7%*


292 Grand St
Brooklyn, NY 11211

(718) 384-9300





The dudes working at this place are SO FUCKIN NICE you’d never suspect how hard they are REEMING OUT THE ASS of every other pizza joint in the neighborhood. Other contenders should just go FUCK THEMSELVES AND DIE – IT’s DUNZO! There’s a location on Bedford, but the one in Greenpoint is way less crowded and has got the north side LOCKED THE FUCK DOWN.

Some of the slices here sound like BULLSHIT at first, but that’s what’s so genius about this place. The WHACKER they sound, the FUCKING DOPER they are! *OH SNAP!* The Black Bean Avocado slice looks like a sad pre-schooler’s fingerpainting but it KICKS ASS EVERY TIME.

And they’ll make you a slice of ANYTHING YOU FUCKIN WANT, BUDDY!  So you want to be a REAL ASSHOLE and order the world’s most complicated specialty slice with about 20 extra ingredients on it??!?!?!   No FUCKING PROBLEM, BUDDY – SIT THE FUCK DOWN so they can make it for you. The one really SHITTY thing about this place is that it’s located in BUTTFUCK, IDAHO. so you’ve got a LONG ASS WALK to think about the serious shit you just stuffed in your mouth.

Cheese Slice: MONSTER JAM
Pepperoni Slice: MONSTER JAM
Vinnie’s GREAT Grandma: Jam
Black Bean Avocado Slice: MONSTER JAM
Farmer’s Daughter: Jam
Meat the Parents: MONSTER JAM
Pepperoni Roll: Jam

Jam to Crap Score: 11/14 -* 78.5%*


253 Nassau Ave.
Brooklyn, NY 11222





HOLY FUCKING CHRIST, where the FUCK do I even start with this place?  I brought my friend here one night after dinner and she literally started screaming “WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?!” after putting one bite of the key lime pie in her mouth.  She didn’t know what the hell was happening.  I can tell you what happened – she got SKULL FUCKED by this pie! *KABOOM!!* I’m seriously not bullshitting you here.  This pie was SO FUCKED UP GOOD that my friend had to take a minute to get her shit together after she ate it.

This place fucking SHREDS ASS and just SLAYS IT all over the place with ALL their pies. If you need to gain a FUCK TON of weight (for a movie?  how am I supposed to know?  who cares!) in a really short amount of time you should just go here and Peter Pan and call it a day with a tub of ice cream and some Roseanne reruns on NETFLIX – HELL TO THE YEAH, MOTHERFUCKERZ!..

Key Lime Pie – MONSTER JAM
Vegetable Pot Pie – Jam
Chicken Pot Pie – Jam
Coconut Creme Pie – MONSTER JAM
Pumpkin Whoopie Pie – MONSTER JAM
Red Velvet Cupcake – Jam
Banana Creme Pie – MONSTER JAM
Chocolate Pie – Jam
Apple, Bacon, Cheddar Pie – MONSTER JAM
Pear, Ginger Pie – Jam

Jam To Crap Score: 17/22 – *77.3%*


415 Graham Ave
Brooklyn, NY 11211
(718) 766-7419



You wanna know what really FUCKIN RULZ HARD?  I don’t care if you wanna know.  I’m gonna tell you anyways.  Like I was saying, FINALLY having a fuckin DECENT pho spot in the neighborhood really FUCKIN RULZ HARD, THAT’S WHAT.  I don’t have to take the STUPID ASS SUBWAY to Chinatown every time I want a bowl of decent PHO – FUCK YES!  SIGN ME UP, MOTHERFUCKER!

But let me get some shit straight here before we go any further with all of this.  This place can be a bit up and down and all over the place with how they bring THEIR RUCKUS.  Sometimes I’ll go in there and be like “OH FUCK FUCK FUCK YES!” and then other times I’ll be all “WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT?!”  If you’re gonna get pho make sure you eat it there because it FUCKIN SUCKS when you get it delivered.  All the shit that goes in it needs to stew around to make it AWESOME.  The lemongrass bahn mi sandwiches are pretty FUCKIN DOPE-ASS MONSTER JAMS all the time here.  The spring rolls are whatever and the bubble tea is solid.  This place has another location on Bedford but I recommend going to this one.  The one on Bedford gives NASTY FUCKIN STALE BREAD sometimes.

Pho Classic – MONSTER JAM
Chicken Pho – Jam
Spring Rolls – Jam
Bubble Tea – MONSTER JAM
Lemongrass Bahn Mi Sandwich – MONSTER JAM

Jam To Crap Score: 8/10 – *80.0%


580 Grand St
Brooklyn, NY 11206
(718) 599-5015


DAMN YO!  This place is THE FUCKIN SHIT!  There is NARY a SHITTY thing on the entire menu.  I’m not jerking you around!  All the ingredients they use are MAD FRESH – no old CRAP here.  I can usually get a good sense of a Mexican joint by the chips and salsa and this place came out of the gate KICKING ASS AND TAKIN NAMES!  The salsa was a total FUCKIN MONSTER JAM and the guacamole came DAMN CLOSE to being a MOTHERFUCKER, but couldn’t quite go there, have to just go ahead and say it’s a MONSTER (don’t wanna get ahead of myself).  I had the enchiladas with green sauce and it was RIPPIN AZZ RIPPIN AZZ!!

Chips & Salsa – MONSTER JAM
Guacamole – MONSTER JAM
Chicken Tacos – MONSTER JAM
Enchiladas w/Green Sauce – MONSTER JAM
Enchiladas w/Mole Sauce – Jam

Jam To Crap Score: 11/12 – *91.7%*


372 Graham Ave
Brooklyn, NY 11211
(718) 782-8171