I fucking HATE IT when you show up at some Mexican place and they throw a tiny-ass bowl of STALE, CRUMBLY tortilla chips in your face, just to be like “HEY SHITHEAD, get ready to be CRAPPED ON by some of the WORST FOOD YOU’VE EVER EATEN!!! And I’ll throw in a RAGING case of the HERSHEY SQUIRTS, gratis.”

THAT BULLSHIT WILL NOT STAND AT ACAPULCO. The chips hit the table straight out the fryer, hot as hell, lightly browned and made from ACTUAL FUCKING TORTILLAS (WELL FUCK ME TEN WAYS TO SUNDAY!!!). Ten seconds into your meal and your face is TORE UP with the goods, and they don’t mind STEAMROLLING YOUR ASS with a bowl of guac either.

Should I even bother telling you how HARD the burritos are going to FUCK YOU UP??? Fine: HARD AS ROCKS, MOTHERFUCKER. I just want to tilt my head back and wriggle that shit down my throat like SOME JACKED UP SWAN. If it’s breakfast time you can say fuck it and eat a burrito (or a sandwich if you’re some kind of asshole) or drizzle some syrup over a FAT STACK of CRUNCHY FRENCH TOAST – there’s cereal in the batter and it’s GOOD AS HELL WHUUUUUUUUUT????

Guacamole: MONSTER JAM
Carne Asada Burrito: Jam
Crunchy French Toast: MONSTER JAM
Chorizo Burrito: MONSTER JAM
Rice and Beans: Jam

Jam to Crap Score: 10/12  83.33%


1116 Manhattan Ave
Brooklyn, NY 11222
(718) 349-8429




Prepare to get BITCH SLAPPED BY SOME HOT CORN when you go to Caracas! The GODDAMN NEW YORK TIMES claims Venezuela’s economy is dominated by the oil industry. Well guess what?! My ASS GOT DOMINATED by these tasty hot pockets drenched and fried in oil. I had a fucking Bolivarian Revolution all up in my face when I DOUBLE FISTED the Los Muchachos AND the La Del Gato!! Any of the meat filled arepas RULE HARD, but for your pansy ass, Rusted Root listening hippie friend visiting you from the place where 30 year olds go to die, aka SAN FUCKSCUCKO, take them here and tell them to put some SICK ASS  guayanés cheese, fried sweet plantains and avocado slices in their pieholes and shut the FUCKKKKKK UP!

On every table a condiment the color of GARFIELD’S FAT ASS can MAKE IT RAIN ON THOSE AREPAS!! A MOTHERFUCKER of a beer cocktail called the Michelada is like five rowdy spring breaks in your mouth, and if your dumb ass forgot to have a V8, might as well get the chips and guacamole, seeing as they come out with a basket of about 5 different kinds of chips!! ARE YOU FUCKING CRAPPING ME WITH THOSE CHIPS?! The only stinker I’ve had were the Yoyos, which tasted like a homeless crap outside of the Dunkin Doughnuts after some binge drinking.

Los Muchachos – MONSTER JAM
La Silvestre (salad) – Jam
Yoyos – Crap!
Guasacaca & Chips – MONSTER JAM

Jam To Crap Score: 11/14 – *78.6%*

93 1/2 E 7th St.
New York, NY 10009
(718) 218-6050




FUCKING CHRIST this place is BLAZING-ASS FAST.  It’s COLD and at your FUCKING DOORSTEP 10 minutes after you ordered it. (Hold the fuck on for a second, I think someone’s at my door.  OH SHIT!  It’s Kyoto… but I didn’t order anything!)  Kyoto would like nothing better than to CRAM a ton of sushi in your face RIGHT NOW, MOTHERFUCKER. They keep your debit card and address on file, so you order and BLIZZZOOOOOOOW,  YOU’RE DONE! I’m not even sure this place HAS a home – they’re just UP IN YOUR SHIT with whatever EXPEDIENTLY as fuck.

This place brings the DEALZ too – the chirashi weighs a FUCK TON, costs almost NOTHING and it’s DANK AS HELL. I like my shit RAW but the beef negima and tuna tatake KILL IT AND GRILL IT. The Gozira Roll is a MONSTER JAM NAMED AFTER A FUCKING MONSTER – these dudes are obviously GENIUSES!

Beef Negima Teriyaki: MONSTER JAM
Seaweed Salad: Jam
Crazy Shrimp Roll: MONSTER JAM
Gozira Roll: MONSTER JAM
Rainbow Roll: Jam
California Sunshine Roll: Jam
Uni: Jam
Tuna Tatake: MONSTER JAM

Jam to Crap Score: 14/18 – 77.77%


161 Nassau Ave
Brooklyn, NY 11222
(718) 383-8882




Sitting in the heart of FUCK CITY, aka Williamsburg, is some actual TASTY ASS CHINESE FOOD! (Say what?!?!?) That man is never gonna leave his wife, am I right ladies?! Well, you might as well put some SICK ASS Chinese food, in your GRILLZ and GET YOURS!

To start with, just bend my ass over PRISON STYLE with these FUCKING dumplings. REGULAR ASS steamed or fried dumplings are the SHIT.  Go with the steamed seafood joints that come with the vinegar sauce they BUST OUT on the table. But if you really want to get all sexual in my throat, TRY THE SPICY WONTONS!!  They come with a peanut sauce you will want to ladle all over yourself and run through the streets screaming FUCK MY LIFE!@!!~

LEO’S DO NOT BE CRAPPIN’ ME-O Mu-Shu hot plate of Chinese fajitas is a STRAIGHT OUT THE BOX MOTHERFUCKER. The plum sauce that comes with it should be cut up into lines and snorted on a mirror in Bret Easton Ellis’s living room, it’s that freaking addictive.  Follow that up with the BEST FUCKIN LO MEIN I’VE EVER HAD, (DON’T FUCKIN CRAP’ ME  AROUND!! ) and your fat ass will be fartin’ out rainbows all the way out of FUCK CITY.

Steamed Vegetable Dumplings: Jam
Steamed Seafood Dumplings: MONSTER JAM
Steamed Pork Buns: Jam
Spicy Wontons: MONSTER JAM
Shanghai Lo Mein: MONSTER JAM
Homemade Beef Stew: Jam
Regular Lo Mein: MONSTER JAM
Mixed Vegetables: Jam

Jam To Crap Score: 14/18 – *77.7%*


292 Grand St
Brooklyn, NY 11211

(718) 384-9300





Are you FUCKING WITH ME, Congee Village? Do you NOT expect me to SEIZE UP LIKE A THIRD-STRING QB when the waiter shows up? JUST SHOVE EVERYTHING IN MY FACE!!!!!! You want me to eat the salt and pepper squid??? HELL TO FUCKING YES I WILL!!!!!! What, a congee with roast duck and meatballs?? YES, BRING IT THE FUCK TO THE TABLE!!! And sure I’ll take SOME CHEAP-ASS BEER with that MOUNTAIN OF INSANE FOOD.

Turtle soup? That sounds kind of weird. No thank you.

HOLY FUCK JUICY BUNS. Don’t try to be cool about it – they WILL get all over your shirt but THEY KILL IT NONSTOP. The sizzling short rib plate NAILS IT and this place is full of ACTUAL ASIAN PEOPLE so you know no BULLSHIT is gonna get tolerated, so order a CRAZY AMOUNT OF FOOD and EAT IT EAT IT EAT IT and then pay like almost nothing for it.

Salt and Pepper Squid: MONSTER JAM
Beef Short Rib Sizzling Plate: MONSTER JAM
Scallion Pancake: Jam
Cheap-Ass Beer: Jam
Congee with Roast Duck and Meatballs: MONSTER JAM
Congee with Sliced Beef and Fish: Jam
Chinese Vegetables: Jam
House Special Chicken – MONSTER JAM
Snow Pea Shoots: Jam

Jam to Crap Score: 15/20 – 75.0%


100 Allen St
New York, NY 10002
(212) 941-1818




The pork buns at this place are a BUNCH OF FUCKIN’ BULLSHIT!  Whoever says that they’re AWESOME must be out of their SKULL.  Here’s what they are: two doughy, RAW-ASS little cake patties with a nasty chunk of pork fat in the middle, some sliced onions, and some sauce that tastes like that plum sauce shit that the little “FOUR CHICKEN WING FRIED HARD” places with the bulletproof glass give you in your bag – WOOPTIEFUCKIN DOO!

The regular ramen was a JAM, but isn’t ramen the shit that you buy at the store when you’re BROKE OFF YOUR ASS cuz you can get 500 KAJILLION of them for a FUCKIN’ DOLLAR FIFTY! (AWWWWW WHAT WHAT!  BOOYA!!)
I also had the brisket ramen and I have to admit that that shit was FUCKIN SICK YO!  It tasted like they tossed a corned beef sandwich into my soup and just let that shit SIMMER!  (OH HELL NAW!)

Pork Bun – Crap!
Momofuku Ramen – Jam
Brisket Ramen – MONSTER JAM
Roasted Brussel Sprouts – MONSTER JAM
Roasted Potatoes – Jam
Ice Cream – Jam

Jam To Crap Score: 7/12 – *58.3%*

171 1st Ave
New York, NY 10003
(212) 777-7773




Sunset Cafe’s menu is a CLUSTERFUCK list of ways to FUCK YOUR HANGOVER UP!!! They put roast beef in a quesadilla, that’s how little they give a FUCK. You might as well just give up cause this place IS TAKING OVER YOUR LIFE as soon as you step in the door.

The reuben sandwich is an OPEN FACED MONSTER JAM BEAST. They put it down in front of you like WHAT, MOTHERFUCKER?? WHAT??  The sauerkraut and the bread stay crispy. which is how you know you’re dealing with a diner that knows its SHIT. And they don’t fuck around with the bacon – they give you an ASSLOAD of it on the side of pretty much everything. I’m gonna be real with you here: this is a GREASY ASS Brooklyn diner, so there are some REAL FUCKIN CRAPPERS on the menu, like the feta and spinach omelette, which is a watery SHIT FEST – *GAG!!!* Basically if it comes on a sandwich though, it WILL NOT BE DENIED.

Reuben Sandwich: MONSTER JAM
Cheeseburger: Jam
Breakfast Sandwich: MONSTER JAM
Feta and Spinach Omelette: Crap!
Belgian Waffle: Jam
Coffee: Jam
French Onion Soup: MONSTER JAM
French Fries: Jam

Jam to Crap Score: 12/18 – *66.6%*

593 Meeker Ave
Brooklyn, NY 11222




The dudes working at this place are SO FUCKIN NICE you’d never suspect how hard they are REEMING OUT THE ASS of every other pizza joint in the neighborhood. Other contenders should just go FUCK THEMSELVES AND DIE – IT’s DUNZO! There’s a location on Bedford, but the one in Greenpoint is way less crowded and has got the north side LOCKED THE FUCK DOWN.

Some of the slices here sound like BULLSHIT at first, but that’s what’s so genius about this place. The WHACKER they sound, the FUCKING DOPER they are! *OH SNAP!* The Black Bean Avocado slice looks like a sad pre-schooler’s fingerpainting but it KICKS ASS EVERY TIME.

And they’ll make you a slice of ANYTHING YOU FUCKIN WANT, BUDDY!  So you want to be a REAL ASSHOLE and order the world’s most complicated specialty slice with about 20 extra ingredients on it??!?!?!   No FUCKING PROBLEM, BUDDY – SIT THE FUCK DOWN so they can make it for you. The one really SHITTY thing about this place is that it’s located in BUTTFUCK, IDAHO. so you’ve got a LONG ASS WALK to think about the serious shit you just stuffed in your mouth.

Cheese Slice: MONSTER JAM
Pepperoni Slice: MONSTER JAM
Vinnie’s GREAT Grandma: Jam
Black Bean Avocado Slice: MONSTER JAM
Farmer’s Daughter: Jam
Meat the Parents: MONSTER JAM
Pepperoni Roll: Jam

Jam to Crap Score: 11/14 -* 78.5%*


253 Nassau Ave.
Brooklyn, NY 11222





HOLY FUCKING CHRIST, where the FUCK do I even start with this place?  I brought my friend here one night after dinner and she literally started screaming “WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?!” after putting one bite of the key lime pie in her mouth.  She didn’t know what the hell was happening.  I can tell you what happened – she got SKULL FUCKED by this pie! *KABOOM!!* I’m seriously not bullshitting you here.  This pie was SO FUCKED UP GOOD that my friend had to take a minute to get her shit together after she ate it.

This place fucking SHREDS ASS and just SLAYS IT all over the place with ALL their pies. If you need to gain a FUCK TON of weight (for a movie?  how am I supposed to know?  who cares!) in a really short amount of time you should just go here and Peter Pan and call it a day with a tub of ice cream and some Roseanne reruns on NETFLIX – HELL TO THE YEAH, MOTHERFUCKERZ!..

Key Lime Pie – MONSTER JAM
Vegetable Pot Pie – Jam
Chicken Pot Pie – Jam
Coconut Creme Pie – MONSTER JAM
Pumpkin Whoopie Pie – MONSTER JAM
Red Velvet Cupcake – Jam
Banana Creme Pie – MONSTER JAM
Chocolate Pie – Jam
Apple, Bacon, Cheddar Pie – MONSTER JAM
Pear, Ginger Pie – Jam

Jam To Crap Score: 17/22 – *77.3%*


415 Graham Ave
Brooklyn, NY 11211
(718) 766-7419



I hit this place AT LEAST once a day, mostly because I live right next door, as in I literally share a wall with these people.  My friend PP calls this place “MUNCHIE PARADISE” since this is where you end up when you die and go to stoner heaven (in case you were wondering).

Their bacon, egg, and cheeses are a clear Monster Jam – two perfectly fried eggs and just the right amount of bacon all neatly layered on a fresh toasted roll with a light sprinkling of salt & pepper.  Also, these guys actually listen to what you ask them to put on your sandwich *GASP*.  They don’t do stupid, imbecilic things like SOILING the entire roll with KETCHUP (*GAG*), unlike the surly retard that works at Hana Food down the street.

Anyways, the clear rock star at this place is the spiky haired guy.  I don’t know his name (we just refer to each other as “boss” – “Hey boss, good morning.  Hey boss, how are you?  Can I get a bacon, egg, and cheese?” )  He is the Gordon Ramsey of bodega sandwich makers.  The other guys are good too, but if spiky is working you should definitely get him to make your sandwich.  He KILLS IT!  I think he usually works in the mornings and in the early afternoons.

Personal favorite lunchtime MONSTER JAM: boar’s head “salsalito” turkey, provolone, lettuce, and mayo on a hero with salt & pepper – No tomatoes! (it makes the bread soggy).

Bacon, Egg, and Cheese Sandwich – MONSTER JAM
Boar’s Head ‘Salsalito’ Turkey Sandwich – MONSTER JAM
Family Size Bags of Cool Ranch Doritos – MONSTER JAM
Toilet Paper Selection – MONSTER JAM

Jam to Crap Score: 8/8 – 100%

*Certified Crap Free*

685 Metropolitan Avenue
Brooklyn, NY 11211
(718) 384-1180