I will admit the Poached Egg and Tarragon Shrimps was a solid MONSTER JAM.  THEY GET STINGY ON THAT A$$ with only three shrimp, but they’re CRISPY N’ SPICY LIL MOTHERFUCKERS covered in DECE dollops of GUSSIED UP YOGURT and they don’t look like some OL’ LONG JOHN SILVER MIDWESTERN BULLSHIT POPCORN SHRIMP EITHER.  The baked eggs with ratatouille is nothing to write home about, but it was HOT N’ SERVICEABLE LIKE YOUR MAMA’S ASS!!!! (AW NO SHE DINNIT!! BOOM!!).  If you’re going for the brunch special, get the mimosa cus the BLOODY MARY’S SOME BLOODY FUCKIN BULLSHIT, but I’m not gonna crap it cus it ain’t worth my time, neither is the Hold Steady, or for my money, this brunch again.  I’ll see you FUCKTARDS UNDER THE BAR when I’ve had my money’s worth of those happy hour martinis.  PEAYCE!

Baked Eggs Over Ratatouille – Jam
Poached Egg and Tarragon Shrimps – MONSTER JAM
Steak and Egg – Jam
Spanish Tortilla – Jam (think Phil Collin’s Tonight Tonight, not great but not terrible)
Mimosa – Jam
Home Fries – Jam
Burger – MONSTER JAM

Jam To Crap Score: 9/14 – *64.3%*

Review by: D. SCOTT SPINNEY

The Huevos Rancheros is a MOS DEF MONSTER JAM and you can actually differentiate what you’re putting in your mouth INSTEAD OF SOME HOT SLOP MASH OF EGG SALSA.  The bloody mary is another SOLID JAM OF SPICEY BOOZE to light a fire under your lazy ass.  The BLT isn’t quite a monster, but it gets BIG ASS PROPS for actual hand carved turkey and not BULLSHITTING ME WITH SOME BODEGA DELI SLICES YOU EAT WHILE YOU’RE HUNGOVER IN YOUR UNDERWEAR WATCHING THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL.  BUT, unless you’re some SICK FECAL FREAK that actually likes the taste of SHIT in your mouth then stay the fuck away from the breakfast burrito.  It’s a certified WET JUICY CRAPHOLE.  The turkey wrap looked like a PIECE OF SHIT as well.  If you steer clear of any of the BULLSHIT wraps, you’ll PROBABLY be in the serious clear for a relatively dope experience.

Huevos Rancheros: MONSTER JAM
BLT: Jam
Breakfast Burrito: Crap!
Bloody Mary: Jam
Eggs Benedict: Jam
Home Fries: Jam

Jam To Crap Score: 6/12 – *50.0%*

769 Metropolitan Ave
Brooklyn, NY 11226

Review by: D. SCOTT SPINNEY

Seriously,  I would suck some REBUPLICAN DONKEY DICK for this brunch it rules THAT FUCKING HARD.  First of all, don’t even get me started on the Bloody Mary’s. Usually, I can take or leave these BORING ASS SHITS, but JESUS ON A FUCKING POGO STICK they’re FUCKIN WAILIN ON DAT AZZZZ!!!!! The Matchbox is my fave, with a SICK ARRANGEMENT of pickled vegetables that makes me feel like 007 ON A COKE BINGE, and it comes with a shot of BOB MARLEY’S GLASS BONG OF CHOICE RED STRIPE.  If that wasn’t enough, the food is OFF THE MOTHERFUCKING CHARTS. The Spaghetti A La Carbonara rips a hole in Bitali’s ass, with just the right amount of cream sauce and bacon.  The Eggs “En Cocotte”, or as I like to call it THE BEST FRIGGIN’ ‘WHO CAME UP WITH THIS FUCKING MEAL?’ OF ALL TIME should be put in a baby’s bottle ‘cus I WILL SLURP THAT SHIT UP (Daaaaaaamn!).  If you’re feeling like you want the meal equal to NUT HUGGER JEANS, HOUSE MUSIC, AND STUPID QUESTIONS get the Youth Hostel Breakfast-it doesn’t suck. Another jam is the stewed chikpeas, it gives some sweaty Moroccan eggs a run for its money. Word on the street is, a certain Brooklyn based actress BLEW UP THE DAMN BATHROOM THIS PLACE IS SO SICK. Not naming names, but it rhymes with SAGGY STICK ‘N BALLZ.

Spaghetti A La Carbonara – MONSTER JAM
Youth Hostel Breakfast – Jam
Egg “En Cocotte” – MONSTER JAM
Spicy Stewed Chickpeas – Jam
Fresh Ricotta – Jam
Box Car Blood Mary – MONSTER JAM

Jam To Crap Score: 9/12 – *75.0%*

*CERTIFIED CRAP FREE*

54 E 1st St
New York, NY 10003

Review by: D. SCOTT SPINNEY

Momo Sushi Shack sounds like some strip-mall SHIT HOLE where your FATASS midwestern relatives shovel pounds of MAGGOT COVERED WINN DIXIE FISH into their mouths and FART LEE GREENWOOD SONGS to each other like a couple a half-retarded blue whales passing in the night, BUT IT’S NOT LIKE THAT SO STOP TALKIN’ LIKE YOU KNOW – YOU DON’T KNOW SHIT!

This is some FANCY MOTHERFUCKING SUSHI, it’s DAINTY AS SHIT, with little piles of raw (FRESH, NON-MAGGOT) fish, mayonnaise and wasabi arranged just so on top of some perfectly cooked rice. You’re going to feel like BUSHWICK’S BIGGEST PUSSY ASS trying to delicately wedge each of these FAT FUCKING WADS OF ARTISTRY in your face hole without looking like a DRUNK redneck in front of a plate of fried pork rinds.  If you’re feeling all self-conscious around all this BEAUTIFUL FUCKING FOOD, order the Pork Betty, which is ugly as shit, and then BEAT ITS ASS WITH THE UGLY STICK some more by dropping a 6-minute egg on top.

Pork Betty – MONSTER JAM
Spicy Mc Bomb – Jam
Mc Low Bomb – Jam
Pink Bomb – MONSTER JAM
Spicy Una Bomb – MONSTER JAM

Jam to Crap Score: 8/10, 80%

*CERTIFIED CRAP FREE*

43 Bogart Street
Brooklyn, NY 11206
(718) 418-6666

FACE IT MOTHERFUCKER, MOST DECENT PHO IN NYC IS PRETTY MUCH ALL IN CHINATOWN.  This place might as well tear the first 50 pages off their STUPID ASS menu because I don’t GIVE A FLYING FUCK: THE PHO’S IN THE BACK ( SHIIIIIIEEEEEETTTTTT!!!!!!)

If you need to eat something else while you’re waiting for the same pho GOD ALL FUCKING MIGHTY would eat if that guy EVEN HAS A MOUTH OR IS REAL (who gives a shit??), there are some SICK ASS options to tide you over. (Seriously why the FUCK am I not EATING THIS PHO RIGHT NOW????) The sugar cane shrimp looks like roadkill and is DOPE (like roadkill) and the salt and pepper squid is A) my favorite food and b) a FUCKING 187 – SCANDALOUS. Only thing to avoid are the greasy ass shrimp rolls – don’t sully your face with these OILY TURDS FROM UNDER THE SEA!!!!

Pho: MONSTER JAM
Salt and Pepper Squid: MONSTER JAM
Fried Shrimp Rolls: Crap!
Sugar Cane Shrimp: Jam
Black Espresso with Condensed Milk: MONSTER JAM

Jam to Crap Score: 7/10 – 70%

73 Mulberry Street
New York, NY 10013
(212) 233-8988

Review by: DJ ABYSMAL SANDWICH

The noodles are SICK and they HAND PULL THEM SHITZ! If you want to set your bland cubicle on FUCKING FIRE, then set it off with some spicy lamb cumin noodles– THEY RULE HARD! The spicy and tingly beef is just as much of a RING STINGING FIRE BREATHER, but the tingle will make you go HMMMMM in the best possible way. The ‘burgers’ are a FIERCE, OH NO SHE DINNIT LOVECHILD of an arepa and a pulled pork sandwich (HIGH ASS MARKS FOR THE LAMB). THE STEWED OXTAIL is a FAT JOINT while the spicy and tingly lamb face salad FUCKING LAMB FACED MY SALAD.  I wasn’t as into the cold skin noodles cus’ I keeps it hot in my house, but HANNIBAL GODDAMN LECTER said he had that shit with a nice Chianti and was lovin’ it. Not a true CRAPPNESS in sight.

Spicy Lamb Burger: MONSTER JAM
Stewed Pork Burger: Jam
Lamb Hand Ripped Noodles: Jam
Spicy and Tingly Beef Noodles: Jam
Oxtail Soup: MONSTER JAM
Lamb Face Salad: Jam
Cold Skin Noodles: Jam

Jam To Crap Score: 9/14 – *64.3%*

*CERTIFIED CRAP FREE*

81 St. Marks Pl
New York, NY 10003

Review by: D. SCOTT SPINNEY

SHIT, don’t even get me started on the Juicy Lucy, it’s their SIGNATURE MOTHERFUCKER, and by signature, I mean I got my ASS TOSSED on the sidewalk by it. It’s like these people hired CHEECH AND CHONG to take a short rib sandwich and get all PREGNANT LADY STYLE on its AZZ with some pimento cheese and spicy pickles! (WHAT THE FUCK??!) And speaking of stoned pregnant ladies—THERE’S A BURGER WITH PEANUT BUTTER AND BACON!! ARE YOU FUCKING DEAF?! DO I NEED TO KEEP GOING??

I guess if you feel like PUSSY FOOTING on some non-burger action (then why the fuck did you come here??) then try the Succotash Made Rite. BUT, RED ALERT:  the chicken on greens is some menu filler BULLSHIT and they need to take it off the rotation cuz I AIN’T EVEN TRYIN’ TO HEAR THAT CRAP.  It’s the LONE SHITTER in the room.

Juicy Lucy: MONSTER JAM
PB and B Burger: MONSTER JAM
Upstate Burger: Jam
Revis: Jam
Succotash Made Rite: Jam
Chicken on Greens: Crap!
Cracked Kale: Jam

Jam To Crap Score: 8/14 – *57.1%*

406 E 9th St
New York, NY 10009
(212) 228-8011

Review by: D. SCOTT SPINNEY

The Kale Salad is a STEALTH BOMB OF A MOTHERFUCKER with a SICK ASS cheese-to-green ratio to make you not feel like a JACKASS for loving the fuck out of a salad.  Don’t even get me started on their Risotto (SHIIIIIIIIIT!!)  It’s the organic pasta equal to a R. Kelly CRUNCH MUNCH REMIX FREAKKY FREAK UNDERAGE SEX JAM.  I’m not so sure what’s so local about the squid & mussel ragout, except when I’m LAPPING THAT SHIT IN MY MOUTH like a dog on a hot day (DAMN – BET YOU DIDN’T SEE THAT ONE COMIN!!) They take fancy meat n’ taters to the next level too, so you know the Roasted Chicken and Pork dish WILL RULE YOUR FACE WITH AN IRON SKILLET!  I haven’t had a SHITTER here yet.

Kale Salad – MONSTER JAM
Freekeh Risotto – MONSTER JAM
Squid & Mussel Ragout – Jam
Hudson Valley Pork – MONSTER JAM
Roasted Chicken For Two – MONSTER JAM

Jam To Crap Score:  9/10 – *90.0%*

*CERTIFIED CRAP FREE*

511 E 12th St
New York, NY 10009
(212) 228-510

Review by: D. SCOTT SPINNEY

This place is the little bastard pain in the ass stepchild to M SHANGHAI that stays open til 6a (SIX IN DA MORNIN! -Snoop Dogg), but these MOTHERFUCKERS can’t figure out what the FUCK they wanna do!  They’re all over the place with their SHIT. At first you walk in here and then they’re all like “BOOM, BITCH – here’s some PERFECTLY GOLDEN FRIED SLAMMIN ASS DUMPLINGS to shove in your face so you can STICK THAT UP YOUR ASS AND SMOKE IT!!”  But then other times they’re all like “MAYBE you’d like to try a bowl of CHICKEN CURRY SHIT FESTIVAL?!?!   HMMMM?????”   Listen to me, buddy – DON’T GO TO THE SHIT FESTIVAL!  Just the DUMPLINGS, ma’am – just the DUMPLINGS.  The sliced bean curd and the mixed vegetable soup is some SIMPLE SHIT, but it’s FUCKIN GOOD.  If it’s not BROKE, then DON’T FUCK WITH IT.

Sliced Bean Curd with Chive Flowers – MONSTER JAM
Curry Chicken Noodle Soup – Crap!
Pork & Chive Dumplings – MONSTER JAM
Mixed Vegetable Noodle Soup – Jam
Cold Noodle with Sesame Sauce – Crap!

Jam To Crap Score: 5/10 – *50.0%*

549 Metropolitan Avenue
Brooklyn, NY 11211

Review by: DJ MONSTER JAM